OceanTCF Bereaved NJ Compassionate Friends Childloss

Death of Children

Aided by 'Friends'

By LEIGH COOK

Press Staff Writer

Published in the Asbury Park Press December 2, 1977

The death of a child is the ultimate tragedy to many parents

While the loss of any loved one is difficult, the death of a child is heartbreaking and frustrating, accompanied by guilt and loneliness.

Two Ocean County women whose children died want other parents who have experienced similar grief to meet together and talk about their adjustments and reactions.

Mrs. Barbara Selikoff of Toms River, and Mrs. Patty Kenny of Lakewood, are organizing a Monmouth Ocean county chapter of The Society of Compassionate Friends, a self-help, group therapy program.

"I lost my 3 1/2 year old daughter nine months ago," Mrs. Selikoff explained, "and I think if such an organization had been available to me then, it would have helped."

"I FEEL FORTUNATE to have survived the tragedy and in memory of my daughter, I would like to help others who have this terrible grief," she said.

The first meeting will be held at 8 p.m. Dec.14 at Point Pleasant Hospital.

"There are always people around the first couple weeks but after that, you're pretty much on your own," said Mrs. Kenny whose first child died four years ago. "Losing a child is such a high price to pay. You ask what you did, what did he do, to make this happen.”

She said she has found it comforting speaking with others who have lost their children.

"If I cry, it's just that they are there and can understand."

She said she expects the chapter to be a starting point and a source of information for parents. "It's to dispel the feeling of not being alone and that someone cares," she pointed out. "When my son died, I looked over at our pediatrician and she was crying too. It was comforting to know that he meant something to her too."

THE SENSE OF shared loss is the most binding element in the Compassionate Friends groups.

When a chapter was formed last year in Long Island, one organizer said, "I guess it was just a sense of relief to find someone you really begin sharing your feelings with - sorrow, anger, confusion and frustration."

He said, "For some reason our society seems to equate death with having dome something wrong, but you feel you lose your future when you lose a child."

The Society was founded in 1969 in England. A young Anglican priest, the Rev. Simon Stephens, was assigned as assistant chaplain in the Coventry and Warwickshire Hospital.

The Rev. Mr. Stephens, orphaned at 16, counseled the parents of two dying boys, one from cancer, the other of head injuries in a fall.

After the boys' deaths, he introduced the parents. It helped them to know they were not alone in their grief. And later, grieving parents whose children had died in the hospital asked him to work with them to establish a society to offer understanding and friendship to other bereaved parents and bring to them caring and support they needed.

THAT CORE of six parents had discovered that by listening to each other, by crying together, by understanding how they felt, their grief was lessened.

From those beginnings the Compassionate Friends grew to more than 40 branches in the British Isles and in the United States, the first branch was organized in Miami in 1972.

There are now 22 active branches in the U. S., four in Israel, and two in Canada.

It is a non profit organization, with no religious affiliation, and operates through regular meetings and by contact with the newly bereaved. When the priest came to this country to organize the first chapter here, he said, "Doctors, psychiatrists, nurses and the clergy are becoming aware of their own need to have further training in the problems of bereavement and coping with this tragic situation."

To parents he emphasizes the importance of their behavior toward the remaining siblings. The child who has been left requires a great deal of love. Bereaved parents sometimes are selfish with their love, comforting one another but ignoring the surivivng child.

Said one mother, "I found that my 13 year old reflects my emotions and that my tears tore him up more than anything else."

ON THE DEATH of a child, the parents are usually surrounded by family and friends, and allowed expressions of grief. But after the first shock wears off, the friends or relatives who came quickly to aid have drifted back to their own concerns and demands of their daily lives.

The bereaved parents often find themselves alone, uncared for, depressed in feelings of abandonment and unable to cope with the painful problems of readjustment to life without the lost child.

The child who died is an important part of the parents' life, and the death is an important event. Parents want to talk about the child, remember the good things and good times and the shared love within the family.

Mrs. Kenny said one of her biggest difficulties four years later, is to answer people when they say, "Oh, you have two daughters?" when she wants to say "I also have a son."

"He was born on Valentine's Day, a very sentimental time and he was very important to me."

Logo of the Society of Compassionate Friends